I can't even explain what I'm feeling right now. I am so hurt and disappointed and lonely. I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm trying to breathe, but the tears are flowing so fast that I'm almost drowning in them. There are so many thoughts in my head right now and I wasn't sure what else to do, so I've decided to post here.
Everyone seems to think so highly of me, but I'm not grateful. I feel so fucking pressured. These days, I kept trying not to write, but what happened tonight turned the tables completely. I'm not good enough. I'm not what they believe I am. I'm just not...right. I feel like I'm broken and everyone's trying to fix me. I feel like these walls are closing up on me and it shouldn't be like this. I had just gotten back on my feet, only to be pushed back down.
For all these years, they thought they were doing something right and giving me the ambition to be above everyone else, but it wasn't like that. I can't trust myself anymore because of what they did, what they said. I can't find the will to become someone better. I can't. I can barely bring myself to try and do so, but then they come and say another thing and I just lose all interest. They expect so many things from me and I feel like I'm gonna get killed if I don't reach their expectations.
I wanna talk to someone, but I just...don't think they'd understand. The only people who did are not near me anymore. With those I have left right now, it's just so hard to talk about this. I don't want pity. I don't wanna be told that I'm wrong with this one. I'm not. I know how I feel. I know best what I am able to do and what not.
Choosing this university was my worst mistake ever. I fucking hate it. I despise it. And for a bit, just for a bit, I fucking hate myself for choosing this path. I should've gone abroad or something. Maybe their words wouldn't hurt as much through the phone...
I've cried almost for the whole night and I lied and I'm sorry. I really am. That's just me. I don't know how to do better. I only know how to apologize when things just don't work the way they're supposed to. And again I just want to run away from it all, but I've gotta fight. I am a fighter. I am strong. I can be confident. I am smart. And sometimes (only sometimes), I can make things work too, but not the things they want me to. I can reach a higher level, I can be great, but not for the things they want me too. I can only find perfection in what I like and enjoy, at least for a little bit. The fucks I give for what I'm studying right now? None.
It's fucking hard, fucking difficult. I'm trying not let this destroy too much of me, but the little bit of confidence I managed to build is gone now. I'm a mess. I've got nothing to hold on to. They want me to be ambitious... How the fuck can I be ambitious when I can't even be at least a bit of what I want to be, when I can't find a track of myself in the ambitions I'm supposed to have (as they say)? I'm a wreck and I feel that I'm tainting all those around me. It's not them who aren't right. It's me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I apologize for not fitting the image you have of myself. Please, forgive me, but first...let me forgive myself.
I'm seriously going through hell. Don't expect me back too soon.
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