What should I do, do, do? The real monster in here is me.

     Am I worthless? I have so many thoughts and I am really scared. Do I really deserve to be loved by someone, by anyone? Who could actually fall for such a wreck, such a broken soul? I don't think anyone could possibly know or understand how I feel. I'm trapped. I am just another monster waiting to get out. I am trying so damn hard to keep the doors closed.I feel like I'd disappoint if I showed my other side. People would be disgusted, they'd want to keep their distance. Can I actually allow someone to enter my mind? All I'm made of are tears and negative thoughts. Who'd want something like that? Why should I let my hardships be known by others? Some will stay, some will run, some will try to help. But I don't want to be a bother to anyone. Will they judge me? Will they turn against me what they find? Will they pity me? 

     The more I find out about myself, the more I believe I shouldn't let anyone discover me, love me, accept me. The more frightened I become and the more I hate myself for what I am and for the fact that if I change, I'll probably lose myself completely. These things defined me for more than half of my life and I am what I am today because of that. I am so confused, so uncertain. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to run and hide. Like a coward. Yes. A part of me is trying to push everyone away. Stop. I don't want to be left alone again. I don't want to reach that lowest point. I don't think this time I'll be strong enough to get up. But at the same time, I don't want to be surrounded by them. I feel like I'm hiding such a dark story and the thoughts that come from it, that if I actually told everything they'd be weirded out or worse, but I don't think I can write that. 

     I think I also made a big mistake. Please, forgive me. I'm really not trying to hurt anyone. If I realized these things sooner, I wouldn't have... You're too good for me. I am a mess and it's not yours to sort out. You have your own life to take care of. I feel guilty, ashamed and many other things I can't tell. I'm sorry. Really.