15 iunie 2016

Revenire in forta! - "Inmormantarea unei roze".

     Credeati ca ati scapat asa curand? Nicio sansa! M-am intors cu ceva... bun? Sa speram c-asa o sa fie. Am incercat sa pun pe foaie, intr-o forma mai placuta, ceea ce am eu in cap acum, ceea ce simt. 

Inmormantarea unei roze

"Patru trandafiri, in vaza albastra parasiti,
Imbibati cu mari iubiri si de lacrimi patati…
Doar unul am indraznit c-un cutit sa retez,
Ca sa-l presez, pentru inima-mi sa-l pastrez.

Al tau nume, doresc sa-l dau treptat uitarii…
Las praful sa se-aseze pe amprenta sarutarii,
Ultima, tatuata pe conturul buzelor de piatra,
Printre care niciun cuvant, nicio suflare nu scapa.

Scot in vant roza sangerie si de mult moarta,
Ii aspir parfumul mucegaiului de prin petale…
Se destrama si pica pe aleea de frunze-acoperita,
Ce inca nu iarta, ce inca suspina dupa talpile tale.

Imi este dor, si chiar regret, cand te stiu asa departe,
Doar sicriul si pamantul… Cel de Sus ne desparte.
Trebuie sa ma obisnuiesc cu al uciderii tale pacat,
Cu vocile si cu Diavolul ce sa o fac m-au indemnat.

E tacut, dar plin de spirite, cimitirul, si lang-al tau sicriu
O sa-ngrop, cu tine, iubire, cei patru trandafiri inca vii,
O sa fug, o sa dispar in negura orasului aproape pustiu,
Lasand sa participe la-nmormantarea ta doar stafiile si demonii. "


     Nu stiu ce este cu mine, dar sunt putin mandra ca ma intorc iar la stilul meu macabru de alta data. E asa frumos, nu? 

Succes actual si planuri de viitor.

     Ce zi frumoasa, perfecta pentru a-mi petrece timpul scriind inca o postare (de data aceasta cu un ton ceva mai pozitiv). Inca am melodia de ieri in cap, doar ca acum sunt prea incantata ca sa-i mai permit sa-mi strice starea. Nu prea am multe de zis azi. Am mai verificat putin meciurile de la Euro 2016, am vazut un film, am invatat putin, am baut doua energizante si acum nu doar ca sunt un titirez uman, dar am si palpitatii care nu cred ca e sanatos sa fie acolo. Si inca ceva... 
     Pe 15 iunie sarbatoresc zilele de nastere ale unor persoane foarte dragi mie. In primul rand, le urez "La multi ani!" (desi nu cred ca o sa citeasca randurile astea), multa sanatate, noroc si iubire. In al doilea rand, as vrea sa ma rup in trei ca sa pot sa fiu langa fiecare, dar in acelasi timp sa raman pe pozitii si la mine acasa ca sa ma pot pregati pentru examenele ce urmeaza. Imi este dor si vreau sa le vad (cea mai buna si apropiata prietena a mea, colega de banca din liceu, nebuna care mi-a intors putin viata invers, o fata mica cu o gura si o inima la fel de mari / matusa mea, care mi-a fost ca o sora mai mare si este acum la o distanta considerabila de orasul in care ma aflu). 
     Voiam sa va scriu si ca sa v-anunt ca am un noroc dat naibii, ceea ce este putin in contradictie cu ce-am tastat ieri. Cand vine vorba de scoala, invatat, examene, nu stiu cum, dar se-ntampla lucruri de necrezut, la care nici macar nu m-astept, pentru care nici macar nu ma rog, la care nici nu sper, dar nici nu ma plang ca ies. Am luat 10 si o sa spun ce-am spus si pe Facebook: "Chiar daca spun ca cinciul e de aur, nu se compara cu sentimentul pe care-l ai cand iei un 10.". 
     De altfel, m-am gandit ca as putea face recenzii la carti. Nu cred ca permanent, dar tare as vrea sa impartasesc cu voi parerile mele in legatura cu doua carti pe care le-am citit anul acesta, poate chiar sa va dau doua-trei citate pe care mi le-am notat si in care ma regasesc. Si in continuare, cu cat ascult mai multe melodii diverse, imi vin idei si ori le-as face si lor recenzii ori as scrie scurte proze cum faceam pe vremuri. Si normal ca ma gandesc la asta fix cand sunt in sesiune, iar in momentul in care o sa dau peste perioade mai libere, n-o sa-mi mai arda nici de una, nici de alta. Tipic. 

14 iunie 2016

"Cheers darlin', you gave me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away."

     O seara putin neobisnuit de obisnuita. Ascult o melodie pe repeat (ca de obicei) si ma intreb ce mai fac cititorii mei (daca mai e cineva pe blogul asta prafuit). Mai nou sunt obsedata de Damien Rice si Cheers Darlin' (titlul este un vers din melodie). Mai nou imi place fotbalul. Mai nou citesc in prostie despre istoria Marii Britanii. Mai vechi iar fac altele in loc sa invat. Si imi este dor de scris... Imi este dor de mine din trecut. Vreau sa ma teleportez, sa ma iau de mana, sa imi dau imbratisarea de care stiu ca uneori aveam mare nevoie, sa imi dau si palmele de rigoare, sa imi spun ca totul o sa fie ok, ca orice-as face tot pe jumatate goala o sa ma simt, ca tot vesnic nemultumita o sa fiu. Asa sunt oamenii: intotdeauna vor mai mult, si mai mult, si mai mult... 
     As vrea sa pot sa scriu exact ce am in cap, as vrea sa dau jos piatra asta grea de pe inima mea, dar nu pot. Este un pas pe care nu vreau sa-l fac, deoarece stiu sigur ca e un drum pe care nu doresc sa il reiau... Dar am melodia asta, cu versurile astea si cu asa poveste in spate de ma seaca treptat. Este asa de profunda vocea lui si chiar pot sa-i citesc vibratiile sentimentelor in glas. In acelasi timp, sunt geloasa. Imi este asa de dor de scris. Imi este asa de dor de ce-mi doream sa fiu. Mereu am spus ca pot fi genul de femeie care poate echilibra cariera, familia si prietenii astfel incat sa nu fie monoton, sa nu fie banal, sa nu le combin prost. Acum ma inclin prea mult spre doar una dintre parti si incerc sa apas frana si sa dau un pic inapoi. Am nevoie sa plec cateva zile altundeva, sa ma rup de viata de aici, sa inchid temporar legaturile, sa tai pentru putin lanturile si sa-mi permit sa zbor. 
     Nu va ganditi la prostii. Nu o sa ma destrabalez prin cluburi, nu o sa plec din oras de mana cu diversi barbati. Pentru mine nu ala este zborul. Vreau sa ma plimb putin pe strazi necunoscute, sa cunosc oameni noi, sa imi eliberez mintea, sa imi aduc inapoi inspiratia si sa scriu. Muza mea e moarta, ingropata si intrata in putrefactie. Doar pentru mine. De fapt, traieste si e bine. Cred... Sper... 
     Ma intreb cum este sa vezi paharul pe jumatate plin si nu pe jumatate gol. Oameni norocosi. Ceva ce eu nu prea sunt. Nu in toate cel putin... Acum chiar am pretentii, nu? Puteti sa radeti. Greseala mea aici si nu sunt atat de mandra incat sa nu recunosc. Mai am si ganduri copilaroase, si ganduri pe care le-ar avea doar un prost, si ganduri perverse, si ganduri mature, si ganduri otravitoare, si ganduri egoiste... Gasesti mai multe tipuri decat ai ingrediente la o "shaorma cu de toate". 
     Incerc sa nu plang (da, mai fac si asta cateodata). Am fost atata timp obisnuita cu melancolia, cu tristetea, cu supararea, incat acum mi se pare ciudat sa fiu entuziasmata, bucuroasa, pozitiva. Nu stiu cum sa ma descurc cu asta si nici nu sunt sigura ca-mi place. Cu toate sentimentele acelea negative ma simteam perfect, in lumea mea... Ce mai aveam de pierdut? Eram fara frica, imuna la multe si multi. Acum... Curajul meu e undeva in pom. Am atatea care-mi pot fi luate si tin cu dintii de ele. Am mai invatat si eu sa lupt...
     Va las... Ma duc in treaba mea. Scuzati-mi exprimarile in aceasta seara. Nu am mai fost la fel de eleganta ca-ntotdeauna. Am ruginit. Imi vreau uleiul inapoi (oare?) si uneori ma bucur, deoarece este foarte posibil sa fiu singura care stie la ce se refera asta (imi vreau si din secrete inapoi, imi vreau si prietena inapoi). 

6 februarie 2016

Thoughts at 2AM.

     I wonder what's wrong with me. I'm sitting here, sick, tired, hungry, and I also don't know whether I'm disappointed, hurt, mad, annoyed or offended. I have a few tabs opened, all related to Valentine's Day and gifts. I've studied for more than 4 hours and this is not what I should be doing at this hour. I have to sleep, but everything's prepared, I've set up my mind and already fixed half of the present. Now, I only have to get the other parts ready. It's not much though... 
     I'm trying so hard not to cry. My sister is on the other side of the room playing. I fear that I did some overthinking a few days ago and some of the ideas I had are kind of turning out to be true. I can feel some doors inside of me slowly closing again. I'm not gonna state which ones. It's just the voice up there in my head hating on me once more. I wish it would go away. It's telling me bad things, some that I don't want to believe. Shut up, please!
     I'll probably be fine tomorrow. Maybe it's the hour, the inspiration and the need to write a bit. Maybe it's the fault of all these feelings overwhelming me and I just don't know what to do. I've been feeling so weak these days... 

4 februarie 2016

No multiplayer for me.

     I thought I could hold on, but I'm hungry, I'm sleepy, I'm tired, I'm crying and I can't stay up like this anymore. I just...get some weird feelings these days. Really. I don't know anything about anything anymore. I don't even know whether I'm being irational or not. I feel like I'm losing my sanity. It's driving me crazy. Everything. Fuck. I feel a bit guilty and I'm blaming myself for things that I can't control, that aren't probably my fault. 

E trist cand cel mai bun prieten e chiar vocea din capul tau.

     Ma simt atat de enervata si iritata. Nu stiu daca imi vine sa plang sau sa scuip acid. Vreau sa scriu, dar nu pot sa ma concentrez. Vreau sa dau replici rautacioase, dar ma abtin cat pot de mult. Nu am starea necesara sa fiu draguta si amabila, mai ales cand a fost ceva ce m-a deranjat anterior. Nu vreau sa spun ca sa nu stric atmosfera, mai ales cand vad ca celalalta persoana se simte bine. Nu stiu daca ascund eu extrem de bine asta sau chiar nu observa. Oare sunt eu extra sensibila si o ciudata sau chiar sunt bazate lucrurile care ma deranjeaza? In ultimul timp, m-am suparat asa des ca incep sa ma intreb daca sunt eu nebuna si paranoica (mai ales cand ceilalti au niste reactii destul de...) sau chiar aveam dreptul sa ma deranjeze asa ceva. Nici macar nu cred ca e formulata corect fraza aceea. Pe fiecare om in parte il afecteaza momente si vorbe diferite, dar nu inteleg de ce ma simt asa vinovata cand tot eu cica sunt aia suparata. Ma atac pe mine si imi tot spun "N-ar trebui sa te deranjeze asta. Fii mai rezonabila. De ce naiba gandesti asa?" si ma simt si mai prost (mai ales cand imi exteriorizez problema si cei din jur incep sa-mi reproseze ca sunt prea suparacioasa). E aiurea... Daca voiau un robot, de ce mai sunt eu prin preajma? 


     Mda, si cam asta iese cand nu ai prieteni (sau cel putin ala singur pe care-l ai e ocupat). Banuiesc ca e explicabila starea mea de singuratate de aseara (si un pic si de azi). Mi-e greu, dar suport. Nu e ca si cum e prima oara. Am trecut prin lucruri mai rele. 

3 februarie 2016

Singuratatea te alege pe tine, nu invers.

     Ma simt din ce in ce mai detasata de lume si cat mai indiferenta fata de oameni. E ca si cum mi-as pierde abilitatile de comunicare, socializare. Am avut prea multe conversatii cu mine si nu prea mai stiu cum e sa porti o discutie serioasa si cu adevarat profunda cu altcineva, in care chiar va intelegeti reciproc si ajungeti la un punct comun, in care chiar daca va contraziceti, tot exista respectarea deciziei celuilalt si nu sunteti de acord la final doar ca sa se incheie conversatia, ci chiar realizati care este punctul lui de vedere si perspectivele. Faptul ca mai am o singura prietena careia pot sa ma deschid, fara teama sau retineri, nu ajuta deloc. Stiu ca mai am langa mine persoane cu care pot sa vorbesc si carora le mai spun problemele mele din cand in cand, dar poate nu la nivelul la care as face-o fata de o prietena. Nu ma intelegeti gresit. Am incredere in persoanele respective si tin la ele si comunic, dar...poate pur si simplu vreau un pic de varietate. Cred ca din acest motiv am fost si dispusa sa iert mai repede si sa trec peste anumite evenimente, fara sa insist prea mult pe problema. 
     Am momente cand poate as vrea sa vorbesc cu cineva si poate persoanele alea putine in care mai am incredere nu sunt disponibile sau nu raspund. In acele clipe, ma simt singura si incep sa plang si incerc sa ma calmez purtand conversatii imaginare, dar nu ajuta. Mintea mea este diabolica si are si zile cand se comporta frumos, dar in mare parte tot pe mine arunca vina. Ce as putea sa fac? Am avut o perioada cand intram pe un site de consiliere. Erau in mare parte persoane care ofereau sfaturi sau pur si simplu discutau cu tine daca simteai nevoia si te ascultau. Puteai sa ai un cont sau sa intri sub anonimat. Chiar m-a ajutat si m-a facut sa ma simt mai bine. Ce-i drept... n-am mai intrat de cateva luni acolo, dar mi s-a parut ok atmosfera si persoana cu care am vorbit. 
     E ca si cum incerc sa recuperez. Am avut perioada liceului in care am fost foarte inchisa si nu voiam sa discut cu nimeni problemele mele, iar apoi incet, incet am inceput sa mai vorbesc cu cei din jur. Am ajuns in punctul in care mi-e frica sa mai tin lucrurile in mine si vreau sa conversez cu cineva, iar atunci cand nu pot, cedez. Poate este si din cauza sesiunii si a stresului, dar nu-mi place. De la un timp sunt destul de vulnerabila si emotiva. Cred ca inainte eram mai stabila si mai puternica si le era mai greu celor din jur sa-si dea seama cand nu eram chiar ok. Acum, este de-ajuns o privire sau ceva si deja intra la banuieli, Nu-mi place. Recunosc ca uneori o fac si intentionat ca sa le atrag atentia sau pentru ca vreau sa vorbesc, dar nu se-ntampla mereu. Sunt momente in care chiar nu vreau sa se stie ce am pe suflet si totusi se afla... Ma enerveaza. 

1 februarie 2016

Short conversation - the voice inside of your head part IV.

"You've been so quiet lately. Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm fine. I'm feeling lonely, lost, bored, annoyed, angry, mad, hurt, but yeah... I'm fine."

"Awww, sweetheart... What happened this time 'round?"

"He left. Again. I don't think I can take him back once more. At least I shouldn't..."

"But you will... You always do. You just forgive him and let him sit right next to you, look through you (not at you) and not listen to what you're saying at all. You act like you don't notice, like it's not actually real. You're lying to yourself. Stop it."

"I just don't think I can find someone else. It took a long time to get him to be with me too. I've loved him since I can't even remember. He's all I've known. I can't just wander on my own and hope to find a man to fall for me again. It's hard..."

"You're being lazy. He doesn't make you happy. You're not on the same level. You're higher. Stop underestimating yourself." 

"I'll try. I'll fight back the urge to let him in."

"It's cold outside, you know..."

"I do. Without him, it's cold inside the house too. I'll just grab a jacket."

"You'll need tons of them or you'll be freezing to death."

"It was your idea in the first place. It sounds bad right now, but maybe it gets better in time..."

"Just wait and you'll see."

"Sure. That's one thing I'm good at."

17 ianuarie 2016

Short conversation - the voice inside of your head part III.

"For fuck's sake, are you crying again?"

"Shut up. Everything just hurts."

"Why? What's the matter now?"

"I'm tired, I feel so lonely and I have nobody to talk to, I miss him like crazy, but I wanna punch him at the same time, I still have a lot to finish too."

"You have me... You can always count on this voice. It's there whenever you need it."

"It doesn't help much. I need at least one more opinion on everything that's happening and I can't talk to him about."

"You're too greedy. Some don't even have the luxury to hear a second voice, what more to say about having another person next to them."

"Don't be so full of yourself. You're starting to piss me off."

"Yeah, right. Don't make me mad or I'll start chanting his name and plant memories in your head until you miss him even more."

"That's diabolical."

"That's you."

"Us."

Short conversation - the voice inside of your head part II.

"Hello?"

"What? Problems in paradise once more?"

"I feel like he's trying to control me."

"You're analyzing too much. Stop over-thinking. It isn't him who's bringing you down. You're doing a fine job just by yourself when it comes to that."

"But... I'm hurt by his actions and I worry about some things that are a lot more serious than what seems to interest him."

"That's just life kid. What makes you vulnerable, others may be immune to it."

"You're right... I'll just talk to him."

"Don't expect him to understand, even if he tells you that. He's not me."

"I don't have another choice. That was the only one."

"Go to sleep. You'll forget about it tomorrow."

"You've said that before and it didn't work. You're a liar!"

"Learned from the best. You told him earlier that you were fine."

Short conversation - the voice inside of your head.

"You can't get mad over something like this. It can't affect you. You're a big girl. Don't cry. You have to reach his level. You can't be like this. Even though it hurts, just fight back the urge to lash out. They don't need to know. They must not know. You're old enough now. Just wipe your tears and get over it. Endure today and maybe tomorrow you'll forget all about this. You can do it! You're strong. Just erase this from your memory and move on."

"But what if it happens again?"

"Repeat the process." 

"Does it have to be like this? Can't I just tell him what I feel?"

"He'll judge you and look down on you. Maybe it's just not what he signed up for. He thinks you're strong and down to earth."

"I can't just ignore it."

"Do it. Trust me. Believe in yourself and this voice inside of your head."

"Isn't there any way to silence you?"

"Silence your heart first and I'll go away with it."

Short letters to my old self.

          Dear teenager in love, 

     This is just a passing phase. Don't despair if he doesn't return your feelings. You're young. He may be the first, but he's definitely not the last boy you're gonna crush on. He's not your entire book. He's just a small chapter in it. Don't allow him to take more of it than necessary. You are the writer. You make your own rules. Don't let yourself be hurt by his words, even when he makes it pretty clear that you're replaceable. Don't worry. He is too. You choose who you end up with in the book. You make your own destiny and if you try to have him in it and it doesn't work, then it just wasn't meant to be. He may choose his friends over you, he may choose other girls over you, he may choose his family over you, but just as he can make these choices, you can too. Maybe he couldn't handle what you had to give. Get over it. You could be that apple on the very top of the tree, while he's a poor little human on the ground with no ladder, no climbing skills, just the hope that someday you'll fall down low to his level. Don't. If you need to make more sacrifices than he's willing to do, he isn't worth it. You both need to try. You both need to work. You need to be equals. Love isn't selfish, humans are. Don't let yourself be blinded by feelings and lose focus of what's actually real and what's not. 

                                                                                                                    Yours sincerely,
                                                                                                                               A young adult in love.

          Dear girl that 'loves' to wait,


     I know it drives you crazy when you have some free time on your hands and all you wanna do is talk to him, because you know he might be busy later and you're going to have something to do too. And then, there he is, fooling around, playing with other people, talking to his friends, ignoring your messages and you're just there...waiting. It hurts. You feel a bit neglected, especially when you know there's just a little time left before midnight and he gives you the excuse that he's tired and he has to rest and he can only talk to you for a few minutes, before he goes to sleep. And he's enthusiastic and you have to be too. You can't be selfish. It's against your morals. You have to be understanding. You have to be there for him, even if you waited all day to talk and he just thinks of you in those last few minutes before midnight. Endure. He might make up for this eventually. Or not. When you're gonna tell him it bothered you, he'll just ask "Really? That little?". And you're gonna say that you love him and that you were kidding, just to make everything right again. But you know you weren't. Your tears and sad thoughts witnessed it too. Just endure.

Yours sincerely,
A girl who waited enough, but still does.

14 ianuarie 2016

Iarta-ma - pentru a nu stiu cata oara.

Am uitat sa sterg machiajul si acum regret. As vrea sa opresc lacrimile ca sa nu ma mai murdaresc cand le sterg.

O temnita impenetrabila.

     Sincer, aveam de gand sa fac o postare mai draguta, dar circumstantele nu prea imi permit. Exista un conflict interior pe care nu pot sa il depasesc. Sunt doua componente: latura mea rationala, care este ranita de latura mea impulsiva, dominata de sentimente. Consider ca in ultimul timp m-am comportat mai imatur decat am facut-o vreodata, dar stiu ca asta are legatura si cu schimbarile din viata mea. Sunt destul de stresata din cauza sesiunii, relatia evolueaza si lucrurile astea doua imi depasesc un pic limitele. Vreau sa vorbesc, sa ma deschid cuiva, dar imi este inca foarte greu, chiar daca sunt situatii care ma deranjeaza, tac si inghit. Nu imi este usor sa vorbesc. Incerc cat pot de tare si mai reusesc sa scot ceva, dar nu tot ce as vrea sa zic.
     Azi nu prea am mancat si m-a luat de vreo doua ori ameteala, m-a durut genunchiul, si pe deasupra am mai ruinat si specialul zilei de azi. Se fac trei luni de cand iubesc si eu m-am comportat cam rece, cam indiferenta si cred ca am stricat totul. Ma simt foarte prost. Azi am fost super sensibila si aproape m-a deranjat orice remarca. Mai multe detalii nu vreau sa dau, desi simt nevoia sa ma eliberez. Se pare ca orice as face tot incatusata raman. E trist. Stiu.

6 ianuarie 2016

I just need a breath of fresh air. So much toxicity is killing me...slowly.

     I can't even explain what I'm feeling right now. I am so hurt and disappointed and lonely. I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm trying to breathe, but the tears are flowing so fast that I'm almost drowning in them. There are so many thoughts in my head right now and I wasn't sure what else to do, so I've decided to post here.
     Everyone seems to think so highly of me, but I'm not grateful. I feel so fucking pressured. These days, I kept trying not to write, but what happened tonight turned the tables completely. I'm not good enough. I'm not what they believe I am. I'm just not...right. I feel like I'm broken and everyone's trying to fix me. I feel like these walls are closing up on me and it shouldn't be like this. I had just gotten back on my feet, only to be pushed back down. 
     For all these years, they thought they were doing something right and giving me the ambition to be above everyone else, but it wasn't like that. I can't trust myself anymore because of what they did, what they said. I can't find the will to become someone better. I can't. I can barely bring myself to try and do so, but then they come and say another thing and I just lose all interest. They expect so many things from me and I feel like I'm gonna get killed if I don't reach their expectations. 
     I wanna talk to someone, but I just...don't think they'd understand. The only people who did are not near me anymore. With those I have left right now, it's just so hard to talk about this. I don't want pity. I don't wanna be told that I'm wrong with this one. I'm not. I know how I feel. I know best what I am able to do and what not. 
     Choosing this university was my worst mistake ever. I fucking hate it. I despise it. And for a bit, just for a bit, I fucking hate myself for choosing this path. I should've gone abroad or something. Maybe their words wouldn't hurt as much through the phone...
     I've cried almost for the whole night and I lied and I'm sorry. I really am. That's just me. I don't know how to do better. I only know how to apologize when things just don't work the way they're supposed to. And again I just want to run away from it all, but I've gotta fight. I am a fighter. I am strong. I can be confident. I am smart. And sometimes (only sometimes), I can make things work too, but not the things they want me to. I can reach a higher level, I can be great, but not for the things they want me too. I can only find perfection in what I like and enjoy, at least for a little bit. The fucks I give for what I'm studying right now? None. 
     It's fucking hard, fucking difficult. I'm trying not let this destroy too much of me, but the little bit of confidence I managed to build is gone now. I'm a mess. I've got nothing to hold on to. They want me to be ambitious... How the fuck can I be ambitious when I can't even be at least a bit of what I want to be, when I can't find a track of myself in the ambitions I'm supposed to have (as they say)? I'm a wreck and I feel that I'm tainting all those around me. It's not them who aren't right. It's me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I apologize for not fitting the image you have of myself. Please, forgive me, but first...let me forgive myself. 
     I'm seriously going through hell. Don't expect me back too soon.