Short letters to my old self.

          Dear teenager in love, 

     This is just a passing phase. Don't despair if he doesn't return your feelings. You're young. He may be the first, but he's definitely not the last boy you're gonna crush on. He's not your entire book. He's just a small chapter in it. Don't allow him to take more of it than necessary. You are the writer. You make your own rules. Don't let yourself be hurt by his words, even when he makes it pretty clear that you're replaceable. Don't worry. He is too. You choose who you end up with in the book. You make your own destiny and if you try to have him in it and it doesn't work, then it just wasn't meant to be. He may choose his friends over you, he may choose other girls over you, he may choose his family over you, but just as he can make these choices, you can too. Maybe he couldn't handle what you had to give. Get over it. You could be that apple on the very top of the tree, while he's a poor little human on the ground with no ladder, no climbing skills, just the hope that someday you'll fall down low to his level. Don't. If you need to make more sacrifices than he's willing to do, he isn't worth it. You both need to try. You both need to work. You need to be equals. Love isn't selfish, humans are. Don't let yourself be blinded by feelings and lose focus of what's actually real and what's not. 

                                                                                                                    Yours sincerely,

                                                                                                                               A young adult in love.

          Dear girl that 'loves' to wait,

     I know it drives you crazy when you have some free time on your hands and all you wanna do is talk to him, because you know he might be busy later and you're going to have something to do too. And then, there he is, fooling around, playing with other people, talking to his friends, ignoring your messages and you're just there...waiting. It hurts. You feel a bit neglected, especially when you know there's just a little time left before midnight and he gives you the excuse that he's tired and he has to rest and he can only talk to you for a few minutes, before he goes to sleep. And he's enthusiastic and you have to be too. You can't be selfish. It's against your morals. You have to be understanding. You have to be there for him, even if you waited all day to talk and he just thinks of you in those last few minutes before midnight. Endure. He might make up for this eventually. Or not. When you're gonna tell him it bothered you, he'll just ask "Really? That little?". And you're gonna say that you love him and that you were kidding, just to make everything right again. But you know you weren't. Your tears and sad thoughts witnessed it too. Just endure.

Yours sincerely,

A girl who waited enough, but still does.

Iarta-ma - pentru a nu stiu cata oara.

Am uitat sa sterg machiajul si acum regret. As vrea sa opresc lacrimile ca sa nu ma mai murdaresc cand le sterg.

O temnita impenetrabila.

     Sincer, aveam de gand sa fac o postare mai draguta, dar circumstantele nu prea imi permit. Exista un conflict interior pe care nu pot sa il depasesc. Sunt doua componente: latura mea rationala, care este ranita de latura mea impulsiva, dominata de sentimente. Consider ca in ultimul timp m-am comportat mai imatur decat am facut-o vreodata, dar stiu ca asta are legatura si cu schimbarile din viata mea. Sunt destul de stresata din cauza sesiunii, relatia evolueaza si lucrurile astea doua imi depasesc un pic limitele. Vreau sa vorbesc, sa ma deschid cuiva, dar imi este inca foarte greu, chiar daca sunt situatii care ma deranjeaza, tac si inghit. Nu imi este usor sa vorbesc. Incerc cat pot de tare si mai reusesc sa scot ceva, dar nu tot ce as vrea sa zic.

     Azi nu prea am mancat si m-a luat de vreo doua ori ameteala, m-a durut genunchiul, si pe deasupra am mai ruinat si specialul zilei de azi. Se fac trei luni de cand iubesc si eu m-am comportat cam rece, cam indiferenta si cred ca am stricat totul. Ma simt foarte prost. Azi am fost super sensibila si aproape m-a deranjat orice remarca. Mai multe detalii nu vreau sa dau, desi simt nevoia sa ma eliberez. Se pare ca orice as face tot incatusata raman. E trist. Stiu.

I just need a breath of fresh air. So much toxicity is killing me...slowly.

     I can't even explain what I'm feeling right now. I am so hurt and disappointed and lonely. I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm trying to breathe, but the tears are flowing so fast that I'm almost drowning in them. There are so many thoughts in my head right now and I wasn't sure what else to do, so I've decided to post here.

     Everyone seems to think so highly of me, but I'm not grateful. I feel so fucking pressured. These days, I kept trying not to write, but what happened tonight turned the tables completely. I'm not good enough. I'm not what they believe I am. I'm just not...right. I feel like I'm broken and everyone's trying to fix me. I feel like these walls are closing up on me and it shouldn't be like this. I had just gotten back on my feet, only to be pushed back down. 

     For all these years, they thought they were doing something right and giving me the ambition to be above everyone else, but it wasn't like that. I can't trust myself anymore because of what they did, what they said. I can't find the will to become someone better. I can't. I can barely bring myself to try and do so, but then they come and say another thing and I just lose all interest. They expect so many things from me and I feel like I'm gonna get killed if I don't reach their expectations. 

     I wanna talk to someone, but I just...don't think they'd understand. The only people who did are not near me anymore. With those I have left right now, it's just so hard to talk about this. I don't want pity. I don't wanna be told that I'm wrong with this one. I'm not. I know how I feel. I know best what I am able to do and what not. 

     Choosing this university was my worst mistake ever. I fucking hate it. I despise it. And for a bit, just for a bit, I fucking hate myself for choosing this path. I should've gone abroad or something. Maybe their words wouldn't hurt as much through the phone...

     I've cried almost for the whole night and I lied and I'm sorry. I really am. That's just me. I don't know how to do better. I only know how to apologize when things just don't work the way they're supposed to. And again I just want to run away from it all, but I've gotta fight. I am a fighter. I am strong. I can be confident. I am smart. And sometimes (only sometimes), I can make things work too, but not the things they want me to. I can reach a higher level, I can be great, but not for the things they want me too. I can only find perfection in what I like and enjoy, at least for a little bit. The fucks I give for what I'm studying right now? None. 

     It's fucking hard, fucking difficult. I'm trying not let this destroy too much of me, but the little bit of confidence I managed to build is gone now. I'm a mess. I've got nothing to hold on to. They want me to be ambitious... How the fuck can I be ambitious when I can't even be at least a bit of what I want to be, when I can't find a track of myself in the ambitions I'm supposed to have (as they say)? I'm a wreck and I feel that I'm tainting all those around me. It's not them who aren't right. It's me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I apologize for not fitting the image you have of myself. Please, forgive me, but first...let me forgive myself. 

     I'm seriously going through hell. Don't expect me back too soon. 

Nu te simti vinovat pentru fericirea ta.

     De o ora si cinsprezece minute este 30 noiembrie sau mai bine zis, Sfantul Andrei. Nu prea tin eu asa la sarbatori, dar pana acum de asta chiar mi-a pasat. Azi am vrut sa respect traditia, dar a intervenit din nou orgoliul meu si nu am putut. La miezul noptii am avut intentia de a trimite un mesaj cu "La multi ani!", dar nu am dus actul pana la final. Inca doare. Rana e deschisa si se vindeca al naibii de greu. Alte incidente nu ajuta nici ele... Trebuie sa recunosc...

     Stiti cum este sa te simti vinovat pentru fericirea ta? Nu ma refer la faptul ca fiecare este dator de a o obtine singur. E vorba de partea in care iti capeti fericirea sacrificand-o pe a altuia. Pana acum, am fost "certata" de apropiati ca ma gandesc prea mult la cei din jur si nu ma pun pe mine prima, ca nu sunt si eu macar putin egoista. Pentru prima oara de cand ma stiu, am facut alegerea gandindu-ma la mine mai intai si dupa la restul si ma simt groaznic. Tot analizez comportamentul persoanei respective si privesc cum evolueaza lucrurile si ma afecteaza din ce in ce mai mult. Am un sentiment de vinovatie de care nu pot sa scap. Nu ar trebui sa fie acolo. Dar este... Nu-si are locul. Dar exista... 

     Din cauza starii in care sunt m-am enervat si mai usor decat de obicei. Acum ma simt si mai prost. A fost copilaresc faptul ca nu am vrut sa raspund la mesaje. Mi-e cald, o tot dau ba in plans, ba intr-un calm de nedescris si apoi iar in plans. Incepe sa ma ia si durerea de cap. Superb! Nici nu se putea mai bine...

What should I do, do, do? The real monster in here is me.

     Am I worthless? I have so many thoughts and I am really scared. Do I really deserve to be loved by someone, by anyone? Who could actually fall for such a wreck, such a broken soul? I don't think anyone could possibly know or understand how I feel. I'm trapped. I am just another monster waiting to get out. I am trying so damn hard to keep the doors closed.I feel like I'd disappoint if I showed my other side. People would be disgusted, they'd want to keep their distance. Can I actually allow someone to enter my mind? All I'm made of are tears and negative thoughts. Who'd want something like that? Why should I let my hardships be known by others? Some will stay, some will run, some will try to help. But I don't want to be a bother to anyone. Will they judge me? Will they turn against me what they find? Will they pity me? 

     The more I find out about myself, the more I believe I shouldn't let anyone discover me, love me, accept me. The more frightened I become and the more I hate myself for what I am and for the fact that if I change, I'll probably lose myself completely. These things defined me for more than half of my life and I am what I am today because of that. I am so confused, so uncertain. I don't want to hurt anyone. I just want to run and hide. Like a coward. Yes. A part of me is trying to push everyone away. Stop. I don't want to be left alone again. I don't want to reach that lowest point. I don't think this time I'll be strong enough to get up. But at the same time, I don't want to be surrounded by them. I feel like I'm hiding such a dark story and the thoughts that come from it, that if I actually told everything they'd be weirded out or worse, but I don't think I can write that. 

     I think I also made a big mistake. Please, forgive me. I'm really not trying to hurt anyone. If I realized these things sooner, I wouldn't have... You're too good for me. I am a mess and it's not yours to sort out. You have your own life to take care of. I feel guilty, ashamed and many other things I can't tell. I'm sorry. Really.

Coborati-va asteptarile ca sa pot sa traiesc si eu.

     Am facut-o lata si nu e prima data. Azi sunt putin ofticata si poate chiar nervoasa. Acum un an am facut alegerea gresita, iar acum suport consecintele. Mi-a trebuit mie facultatea asta... Ha! Ce gluma! Ma simt aiurea. Imi tot zic ca sunt ambitioasa, ca pot sa excelez, ca o sa reusesc sa fac ceea ce vreau, ca sunt desteapta si pot sa invat bine. Apoi ajung in sala si imi piere tot cheful si toata determinarea mea. Nu imi place. Deloc. In curand o sa ajung sa nu mai suport, daca nu sunt deja acolo. Pe langa faptul ca nu o sa mai pot sa-nghit locul in care sunt, mi-e frica sa nu ating punctul in care o sa ma urasc si pe mine si o sa simt iar ca nu sunt destul de buna pentru persoana mea, pentru oricine. 

     Am mai trecut o data prin asta recent si nu imi place. Doare prea tare sa nu vrei sa dai ochii cu anumite persoane doar pentru ca nu te consideri demna, suficient de buna. Vreau sa dau totul din mine pentru viitorul meu, dar parca cu cat incerc mai mult sa imi revin si sa ma tin de facultatea asta, cu atat o dau mai mult in bara si sunt nemultumita. Ii vad pe toti ca incearca si se chinuie si simt ca eu stau pe loc si nu pot sa ating asteptarile pe care cred ca le au de la mine. Ma face sa ma simt si mai prost. De parca as dezamagi incontinuu. De parca nu as fi inde-ajuns. 

     Nu cred ca ma poate intelege cineva. Cum ar putea? Imi pare rau, sincer.

You are the title to my longest chapter. Simba.

     The bed was cold, but it didn't really matter. She was sitting next to him, under the blanket, close enough to hear his heartbeat, but so far that his breath was lingering more on her hand than face. She had lied, saying that her hands were frozen. He seemed to believe her and chose to help her warm up. So there they were, his shirt slightly unbuttoned, her hands inside of it, touching his chest. She wanted to concentrate, but she couldn't. She was trying to figure out whether his heart was beating faster or just normally. On top of that, her cheeks were burning, she was shaking uncontrolably and it was not because of the temperature inside the room. "I want to kiss him. Oh, damn! What would his reaction be like?" she thought, staring longingly at his lips. "I want to get even closer, but I can tell he's keeping his distance. Maybe it's just brotherly love, just the need to protect me." the voice inside her head said, slightly crushing her hopes. "He's so warm, but his heart isn't beating any faster. Maybe he really doesn't like me or he's just good at controlling these things." she tried to tell herself, but it only made things worse. His eyes were closed and his breathing was even. She could only stare at his sleeping figure, unable to calm herself down. "He said he was tired. I shouldn't bother him, but I can't stop trembling." the girl worried again, heart pounding in her rib cage. 

     All she wanted was to move a little bit forward, close enough to wrap her arms around him and find shelter under his chin, give him a kiss on the lips, so long she could taste the cigarettes and the vodka, then fall asleep like that, maybe even sharing the same dreams. But she couldn't do that. They were more than strangers, but less than friends. They knew each other, but didn't know much about each other. She was slowly falling for him, his feelings were still a mystery. "It's fine. I'm ok. It doesn't matter what happens. I'm happy enough just staying like this. Though I can't touch him any further, I don't care. He looks peaceful. My hand is inside his shirt, I'm shaking like there's no tomorrow and staring at him. He's sleeping and everything seems alright. He seems alright. That's good enough for me.". And then she found peace too. Her heart calmed down and she could finally embrace his warmness. She stopped the tremors and closed her eyes, his image still floating in her head, his voice still tickling her ears, his heartbeat massaging her palms. Everything was fine. For real this time. 

Se spune ca dragostea ne gaseste atunci cand suntem pregatiti. Eu cred ca niciodata n-o sa fim.

     Nu-mi place. Luna asta am fost prea dezordonata si cu capul in nori. Nu imi este specific. Nu sunt eu asa. Ma enerveaza. Ma scoate din sarite si incerc sa evit cat pot diverse intamplari. Obisnuiam sa fiu foarte calculata si desi poate nu se vedea, aveam habar de ce faceam chiar daca altii poate le considerau greseli. Mascam, incurcam, ascundeam, dar era exact asa cum voiam eu sa fie. Am pierdut putin controlul si nu mai gasesc lanturile, iar lacatul s-a cam spart. In sfarsit se manifesta putin si zodia mea. Putin...
     Vreau sa musc sau sa lovesc ceva. Mi-am aprins o tigara. Poate ajuta si de data asta. Sunt in parc acum si din cauza unei rasturnari de situatie, am simtit nevoia sa scriu, asa ca stau pe o banca uda, cu telefonul in mana. As minti daca as spune ca nu mi-a placut un pic sa fiu asa haotica, dar cam e timpul sa ma opresc. Incepe sa ma afecteze comportamentul asta, care s-ar zice ca e putin specific varstei mele. Asta nu inseamna ca trebuie sa-mi fie normal si mie. Nu. Eu sunt diferita. Nu sunt asa. Nu. Dragostea iar m-a dat peste cap si m-a facut sa ma pierd. Am gandit din nou cu inima si am lasat-o sa domine. 

   Jos, printeso! Nu crezi ca stai cam bine acolo sus? Mai coboara... Creierul trebuie sa stea deasupra umerilor, nu tu. Stiu ca vrei atentie si sa te gadil in orgoliu, dar uite ca n-am chef. Cuminteste-te sau o sa avem probleme. Si tu si eu. Nu vrem acum sa se-ntample asta, nu? Asa ca, te poftesc, politicos, sa iei loc. Daca nu o s-o faci cu usurelul, o sa-mi arat coltii si crede-ma ca sunt destul de ascutiti, desi nu pare. Musc tare. Pana simt gust de sange si te doare. O sa te-nvat minte sa ai grija alta data. Eu stiu lectia. Acum e timpul sa o cunosti si tu. Cu frumosul sau fortat. Cred ca ambele am prefera prima varianta. Succes! Lupta a inceput. 

     Am ametit putin si ma arde gatul. Mai am inca o intersectie si ajung la sala. Doua ore sper sa fie de-ajuns sa ma calmeze. Frumusetea se gaseste in lucrurile simple. La mine e totul cam complicat acum. Si poate e ciudat, dar asa simt ca am ceva de facut. Nu ma plictisesc. Sunt intr-o continua miscare si asta mai mult ma relaxeaza decat sa ma oboseasca. Imi place. Ma tine ocupata si nu imi mai ramane timp sa ma gandesc la altele. Nici nu-mi trebuie. S-a vazut in ultimele postari cat de rau pot sa ajung, desi alea erau nimicuri in comparatie cu ce ma afecteaza cu adevarat (cred ca asta ar trebui sa fie mai mult la timpul trecut - nu prea sunt sigura). Oh, dar ma cam opresc aici. Nu vreau sa intru in detalii si sa-mi stric starea. Deja imi vine sa palmuiesc putin inimioara, nu vreau sa ma leg si de minte. 

     Zisesem de zodie... Pana acum nu prea voiam sa accept, sa recunosc ca vreau perfectiune (perfect pentru mine, nu sensul din DEX al cuvantului), ordine, control. Credeam ca se refera doar la lucrurile exterioare si nu banuiam ca poate sa aiba legatura si cu ce tine de interior: sentimente, ganduri, trairi. M-am inselat si chiar daca tot intorc asta pe toate partile de vreo doi-trei ani, abia acum pot sa o si scriu. Sunt o fecioara sentimentala. Asta e! Mai se intampla si d-astea. Mai rar...

Ti-as fi dat o vesta de salvare, daca as fi putut.

     Nu prea aveam de gand sa scriu asta seara, dar sunt... Nici macar nu pot descrie in cuvinte cum ma simt. Dezgustata? Dezamagita? Nervoasa? O sa incerc sa explic in cat mai putine cuvinte ce s-a intamplat. In garaj avem soareci/sobolani si ai mei pun curse ca sa-i prinda si sa scape de ei. Stiam ca folosesc metoda definitiva ca sa-i elimine, dar nu stiam cum. Credeam ca este ceva rapid, din care sa nu sufere prea mult (da, stiu ca sunt paraziti, dar totusi...), gen otrava sau altceva. 

     Mi-e greu sa scriu asta. Inca imi vine sa plang si a trecut deja mai bine de-o ora de la incident. Bunica-miu a venit foarte incantat sa-mi arate captura si apoi a zis ceva de genul "Ia uite aici!" si a scufundat cusca in ceva din plastic, plina varf cu apa. Am intrat instant in casa si deja mi se facuse greata. Avusesem ochii atintiti asupra micii creaturi si ma uitam fix la fata soricelului cand si-a luat ultima gura de aer. Poate exagerez si sunt eu prea sensibila. Inca nu mi-am revenit. Dupa mai aveam si nervi ca bunica-miu nu se spalase pe maini si umbla asa prin casa si nu puteam sa-i zic nimic ca erau ai mei de fata. Imi facusem o pizza ca mi-era foame. Cand sa mananc ultimul sfert, a intrat in bucatarie si incepuse sa faca nu-stiu-ce pe-acolo. Am aruncat tot, mi-am luat felia si am urcat in camera. 

     Chiar eram foarte fericita si acum simt ca mi s-a stricat toata starea. As reciti paragraful sa vad daca am vreo greseala, dar nu stiu daca o sa pot. Va las. Nu mai am nimic de zis. 

Esti un diamant prafuit. Sterge-te singura, daca altii nu vor s-ajute, si straluceste.

     Astazi chiar am chef sa scriu si sunt si in starea potrivita. Am un subiect in minte, dar nu prea vreau sa intru in el (ma afecteaza putin cam tare). Chiar si-asa, sunt putin nervoasa, putin suparata, putin cu dureri, putin ametita, putin dezamagita, putin ranita, ma simt si putin prost, cate putin din toate (ce sa mai zic...). Imi vine sa plang si degetele de la mana dreapta inca imi miros a fum. Ce-as baga o tigara acum... Poate doua... Poate trei... Nici un pachet intreg n-ar strica. M-ar mai calma. Mai e si speranta ca mi-ar izgoni ideile din cap. Este un haos total si vreau sa fac curatenie, dar nu prea stiu de unde sa incep. Mai bine bag o proza scurta. Cred c-o sa ajute. 

"     She was left alone once more. Another night. Another chaos inside her mind. There was no escape and she hated it. Even if the music was blasting in her ears, she could still hear that devilish voice in her head whispering the names of her insecurities, worries and pains. Only one was louder than the others: "You are not good enough.". It scared her to death and she couldn't avoid it either. There was a time when she didn't think about it anymore, but as more people came into her life and she started caring about them, that fear grew more and more. Maybe it weren't her friends and lovers the ones she had to be good enough for. It was something she didn't consider. Maybe she just had to be good enough for herself. But it was hard. Oh, so damn hard. She could barely tell that there was a difference between those two. The lack of confidence didn't help either. The words she heard from others only made it worse. Maybe they weren't pointing things out to be negative, but in her head that's what they looked like. They might have said those just as random facts, but they didn't realize how much it damaged her heart, how bad it hit her, how low it brought her... 

     Then something else crossed her mind: "This is all you have to offer.". That line made her wrap her arms around her slim figure, drawing red marks on her skin, nails digging deep enough to let the blood out. Tears were soon streaming down her face and she couldn't deny the cold truth. If she had something to add regarding the previous thought, this one was impossible to change, to erase, to forget... Even if others couldn't really notice it, she could clearly see it. In almost every conversation or relationship, she had to focus on one part of herself: her dark side. She just had to mention it. She couldn't resist not bringing it up. She kept telling herself: "This is what I'm good at and people usually talk about the things they're good at.". But it was a lie... She wasn't that good at it. She was actually pretty bad and unexperienced, but others' surprised and shocked expressions fed her the idea that that side of her is something special. So wrong... But she had gotten so used to it and so attached to those thoughts, that now she felt disappointed when someone acted unimpressed or had better plans than she did. It was even worse when they ignored her. All she could believe was that people kept her around as long as she could make them laugh or surprise them with her creativity and unless those happened, she was useless, disposable. It scared her so much, she couldn't sleep, she couldn't eat, she couldn't think about anything else. It slowly ruined her and it was sad. Not that something like this was destroying her, but because she was allowing it to happen. She was the one who was treating herself like an object and thought of herself like that. Others actually cared (maybe). But that's what she felt like and if there's something people can't do, telling your heart what to feel is on the list. She hated it and hated herself too, but she couldn't stop either, even though she had tried so many times. And when something actually worked...her brain started fucking around again: "Say this. Say that. You'll make them interested. That's all you have to offer after all. This is the only thing you're good at.". And then she stopped running. She began embracing that and accepting it. But the feeling of uneasiness was still there. And through perverted phrases and sexual innuendos, sometimes, when she knew others weren't listening, a few words fell off of her tongue, leaving behind a sour taste of hard truth: "You're broken. Stop. Fix yourself. There's more to you than that shell. Show them the pearl hidden inside.". "

     A iesit mai bine decat ma asteptam si ma sperie un pic. E destul de deprimant. E destul de adevarat. E mai mult decat aveam de gand sa zic. Nu e tot ce-aveam in minte. Nu e nici macar un coltisor. E doar un ciob si bucata intreaga ce-a ramas, are o forma ciudata. Am dat iar peste un pic de nesiguranta si cateva emotii. Pe drum, am cules si un strop de vinovatie si unul mai mic de descoperire a sinelui. Am realizat ceva in legatura cu mine, ce mi-era greu sa accept pana acum. Mi-am dat seama care este problema si nu-mi place. Ma sperie si ma enerveaza. E aiurea. Foarte. S-ar putea ca proza sa zica mai multe (desi nu destule). Poate exprimarea n-o sa fie una din cele mai bune si o sa se mai piarda din inteles, dar pot spune ca din ce-am recitit eu, se-apropie destul de mult. Imi pare rau. Am crezut ca fac curat, dar mai rau m-am murdarit si n-am sapun sa curat. Stau asa momentan... Vreau sa rezolv singura si nu prea ma simt in stare acum (si cu partea asta nu cred ca o sa ma simt in stare vreodata - pierd prea mult din mine).

Am I not good enough?

Because that's how I feel.

Ceva putin mai diferit. Aberatii.

     Cred ca o sa ma enervez putin in seara asta... Am montat laptopul inapoi pe birou si nu merge mufa de la incarcator. S-a meritat oricum. Sunt destul de multumita de ceea ce am scris ieri. Astazi? Sincer, as face ceva folositor, dar ma simt atat de relaxata si linistita, incat nu cred ca vreau sa ridic vreun deget. Ca sa se-nteleaga putin mai bine starea mea, am iesit de la dus de o ora si inca nu m-am imbracat. De obicei, acesta este primul lucru pe care-l fac, dar acum m-am pus la laptop si am intrat pe Facebook si am dat drumul la muzica si nu mai am chef de nimic (poate doar de el). O sa va las asta seara cu o poza si-o melodie. Chiar mi s-au dus toate ideile. 

(sursa)

     Nu stiu de ce, dar am o presimtire ca blogul asta o sa se transforme incet, incet, intr-o pagina care mai mult ofera recomandari in materie de muzica. Este probabilitatea mica, dar tot exista. Nu va speriati, chiar si-asa, detaliile picante in legatura cu viata mea tot o sa curga. Nu renunt eu asa usor. Acum, apasati butonul de "play", daca nu ati facut-o deja. Stiu ca este Selena Gomez, dar s-ar putea sa va placa. Nu stiti pana nu incercati. Mai bine sa regretati ca ati facut-o, decat sa plangeti ca nici macar nu i-ati acordat o sansa. Exagerez putin... E doar o melodie. Se aplica in alte cazuri, oricum...

Proza scurta - iar incerc sa v-aburesc cu prostiile mele.

     Ghiciti cine revine in forta?! Eh, glumesc doar... Nu vreau sa va obisnuiti cu mine oferindu-va multe de citit. Ce-i drept, asta seara chiar am chef sa scriu, dar exista o problema: pot sa tin laptopul doar pe birou la incarcat si nu am chef sa stau pe scaun si nu stiu in pat cat o sa ma tina bateria. Ma enerveaza putin. Chiar as fi inceput o proza asta seara si e o minune, sa stiti! Nu prea am idei cand sunt fericita, asa ca ma mira putin ca mi-au venit astea (si nici macar nu e ceva pervers - oops!). 

     Vreau sa fac postarea asta pe blog, dar pe partea asta cam lasa de dorit imaginatia mea. Nu prea am multe de zis si nu vreau sa intru in probleme si sa-mi strict starea. Cred ca o sa incerc sa fac ceva scurt si repede, fara sa mai trec in Word. 

"     It was cold and wet in the park, but it didn't really matter. She was surrounded by the night and the beautiful sounds made by the trees. Her lips were wrapped around the filter of a cigarette, on which she sucked with such passion, you'd believe it was something with an incredible taste. But the truth is...it wasn't. It didn't help much either. The quality was bad, the taste was worse and it slowly damaged her health. But she didn't care. It was all she had left: a whole pack and a diamond ring, which was now lying on the bottom of the lake. She threw it earlier, without giving it much thought. It was finally over and she was finally free. She could've sold it or something. The only thought she had on her mind was that the money would still have his prints on them and she didn't want anything to do with that man anymore. But no matter how much she tried to run, her body and mind were already tainted. His touch, his perfume, his everything...she could still feel them. Her lips still trembled waiting to be kissed by his own. Her body still arched as a ghostly hand caressed her sides. Cold shivers still traveled on her spine as fingers that weren't really there lingered more than they should on the inside of her thigh. She hated herself for those thoughts, but she couldn't really help it. He used to be a big part of her life. Maybe he never stopped. She wished he had. Thirteen years of being miserable in love had been enough. She turned a blind eye to so many things he'd done: cheating, drugs, violence, alcohol, lying. But there was one thing she couldn't ignore: love. She had gotten so used to his lack of attention and support, it became weird when he suddenly started noticing small things. He took care of her and whispered sweet nothings in her ear. He bought her flowers and worried about her. He gave her his heart and that stupid diamond ring. He said he was done fooling around. She couldn't believe him, so she left. But then she found herself on that bench in the park...their bench, their spot. She found herself smoking his favourite brand of cigarettes. She found herself thinking about him and wishing he was there with her. She found herself staring at the phone vibrating in her hand and regretting she threw away the ring. She found herself answering. She found herself falling back in love...going back to him. "

     S-ar putea sa fie cateva greseli gramaticale si nici fragmentul sa nu fie foarte bun, dar simteam nevoia nebuna de a modela ceva. Am energie si vreau sa imi gasesc o ocupatie, dar care (preferabil) nu implica ridicatul din pat. M-am plictisit de televizor, laptopul e pe moarte, nu prea mai am rabdare sa ascult muzica, mi-e frig, mi-e dor (si cred ca puteti sa va dati seama de cine)... 

Am invatat sa iubesc partile negative - am avut parte de prea putin bine.

     Postarea urmatoare a fost scrisa pe parcursul zilei de astazi, incepand de la ora 12 pana la ora 16:10, adaugandu-se doar mici completari sau modificari dupa ora 20:00. 

"           Cred ca o sa devina un obicei asta. Am foaia si pixul, o banca intr-un parc dintre blocuri, muzica la maxim in casti si o multime de ganduri. Mi-a inghetat mana, desi e cald afara, si imi tremura. Am niste idei de care nu pot sa scap si trebuie sa le trec undeva. Blogul nu am putut sa-l mai ingrijesc asa cum aveam de gand si imi pare rau. Citesc o carte care ma asteptam sa ma nelinisteasca, dar imi ofera un calm si o siguranta de neclintit. Se numeste “Prima mea dezamagire in dragoste”. In unele povesti ma regasesc, altele ma ajuta sa invat, altele ma intristeaza putin si ma fac sa am viitorul in minte.

           Cred ca stiu de ce nu ma pot obisnui cu fericirea, cu lipsa de scenarii, durere si lacrimi. Mi-a placut sa ma amagesc singura (Yes, my friends! I think I might be a masochist.). Ma facea sa simt ca traiesc cu adevarat. Erau sentimentele atat de coplesitoare, puternice, incat fiecare gura de aer pe care o luam parca era prima. Chiar si acum, mai sunt momente in care imi ridic singura asteptarile si montez in creierul meu un gand la care incerc sa sper, chiar daca in sinea mea stiu sigur ca nu o sa se intample.

           Nu vreau sa mai merg la facultate azi si tot ce-mi doresc e sa fiu atasata de foaia asta. In final, se pare ca tot scrisul este plasa in care stiu ca pot sa ma arunc linistita. Am parasit si dansul de cateva saptamani. Las sa se aseze praful pe el, pentru ca stiu ce mare o sa fie satisfactia cand, in sfarsit, o sa-l sterg si o sa-l folosesc din nou.

           Imi vine sa plang si incerc sa ma abtin. Vreau ceva cald… Probabil o cafea, un ceai sau o pereche de buze. Vreau sa fiu sigura de mine, de ceea ce simt, de faptul ca nu o sa ma schimb. Imi place cum sunt (chiar cred ca e cea mai buna versiunea a mea de pana acum). Imi placea si cum eram inainte, dar nu am ramas asa si intr-un fel e mai bine. Existau si anumite caracteristici care ma nemultumeau.

           Trebuie sa marturisesc ca m-am panicat, dar m-am si bucurat pentru un scurt moment. Am avut impresia ca il vad si a inceput sa-mi bata inima mai tare. Mi s-a taiat si respiratia. Am vazut prea multe filme, am citit prea mult din creatiile altora, am avut si prea multe de-ale mele si acum am in minte faze imprevizibile, existand o probabilitate cat se poate de mica de a se intampla si in viata reala. Pacat… M-ar fi dat putin peste cap (in sensul bun).

           Mi-e dor de el. Vreau sa-l vad, sa-l tin de mana, sa ma stranga in brate, sa… De cand sunt, doar de doua persoane mi-a mai fost asa dor, in afara de cea in discutie: de mine si de ea. Am avut acea perioada in care am decazut si chiar daca pentru altii as fi fost de nerecunoscut, eu ma uitam in oglinda si vedeam trecutul, prezentul si viitorul suprapuse. A fost cel mai rau punct al meu, dar tot imi lipseste, deoarece adevarata mea putere se trage de-acolo. Dupa acea parte a vietii mele am reusit sa devin cine voiam sa fiu (aproape – mai trebuie sa lucrez putin la ambitie si timiditate). Si chiar nu e o satisfactie mai mare decat aceea care vine in momentul in care gasesti singur luminita de la capatul tunelului, dupa o perioada lunga petrecuta in intuneric (in care te gandesti ca nu o sa mai poti sa te ridici vreodata de jos).

           Dar sa lasam asta in pace… A trecut. Nu vreau sa intru in prea multe detalii, tinand cont ca am abordat deja de cateva ori subiectul asta in postarile anterioare (si oricum este mai mult el in capul meu decat ideile pe care le scriu acum). Probabil va intrebati cine este ea. O sa spun in mai multe cuvinte: sufletul meu pereche, cea care m-a protejat, m-a ascultat, m-a inteles, m-a ajutat sa ma ridic, in asa fel incat data urmatoare puteam sa fac asta si singura. Sigur, mai exista persoane care au facut cate ceva din astea, daca nu mai mult, dar cu acelea inca pot sa iau legatura fara sa se dea o lupta in mine inainte de a trimite mesajul. Ma oftic si ma enerveaza si ma doare si mi-e dor, dar n-am ce face… Trebuie sa rezist.

           Este foarte posibil sa incep sa plang daca vad pe cineva cunoscut acum. Chiar nu prea pot sa-mi dau seama ce am azi. Sunt foarte sensibila (emotiva) si pierduta. Am nevoie de caldura unui alt corp (sper ca nu v-ati gandit la prostii aici), care sa ma calmeze, dar orgoliul nu ma lasa sa cer asta…

           In primul rand, vreau sa-mi controlez sentimentele fara ajutorul cuiva. Trebuie sa fiu tare pentru mine, sa pot trece peste, nu e ca si cum ar fi prima oara cand se-ntampla. Tentatia de a cere atentie si sustinere este peste nivelul normal. Ma lupt cu ea. Asta ma face sa ajung si la punctul urmator…

           In al doilea rand, nu vreau sa complic programul nimanui. Fiecare are problemele lui, de care poate nu zice si au un orar in care nu vreau sa fiu inclusa, daca asta ar crea vreun fel de deranj. Poate ar veni pentru ca le pasa si vor sa fie langa mine (acesta este cazul in care chiar chem pe cineva), dar m-ar face sa ma simt ca un copil care cere si trebuie sa i se indeplineasca dorinta. Nu sunt obisnuita cu asta si cred ca acesta este si motivul pentru care tin totul in mine (I don’t want to be a burden to anyone…).

           Nu stiu daca s-a pierdut ceva in exprimare sau s-a inteles ceva gresit, dar chiar prefer sa sufar singura decat sa ii chem pe altii si sa le incurc ziua. M-as simti vinovata si asta mai mult mi-ar da totul peste cap decat sa ma linisteasca. Simt prea multe acum si in capul meu este un haos total. N-am idee ce o sa fac ca sa ies din asta. Aproape mi-au dat lacrimile si imi bate inima tare. Noroc ca mai am tigara, dar si pe aia o las mai mult sa se fumeze singura. Imi pare rau… Ieri aveam super multa energie si nu-mi mai incapeam in piele de fericire, iar astazi sunt sclava propriilor ganduri. Tot strig la mine “Calmeaza-te!”, dar imi este aproape imposibil acum.

           Si ca de obicei si aceasta postare incepe bine si usor-usor, o ia intr-o alta directie. Sa nu intelegeti gresit: nu sunt asa din cauza ca mi-am dat sperante false. Sunt asa inca de cand m-am trezit. Ideile au inceput sa curga din momentul in care mi-am deschis ochii. Daca in alte situatii ma rugam sa se opreasca, acum as vrea sa imi vina tot felul de scenarii in cap (romantice sau perverse), dar fug de mine cum fug eu zilele astea de facultate. Vine cate unul si dispare la fel de repede cum a aparut. As prefera sa ma aprind atat de tare, de la idei, incat sa nu pot sa stau pe scaun sau sa ma faca sa vreau sa infaptuiesc ceva extrem, nebunesc.

           Mi-am dat iar drumul la muzica (poate ajuta) – EXO’s My Answer Is You. Mi-a calmat inima putin, doar mai tresare din cand in cand. Vreau sa plec. Imi vine sa iau primul tren si sa merg intr-un loc necunoscut. Poate m-ar face sa ma simt mai bine in legatura cu faptul ca pana si eu de-abia ma recunosc acum. Cuvintele le scriu la foc automat si cred ca o sa ma doara mana. Doar cred. Stiu ca nu exista sanse sa pateasca ceva incheietura mea (cel putin nu de la scris).

           Nu mai am mult si trec si pe a cincea pagina. Nu am mai facut asta de ceva timp. Nici nu mai stiu de cand… Incepusem o proza, dar am lasat-o in aer. Am preferat sa ii aud vocea, chiar si pentru putin. M-am bucurat sa il ascult, desi poate nu aratam asta. Nu puteam sa zic prea multe, dar eram acolo pentru el. L-am lasat sa vorbeasca si am incercat sa-mi golesc mintea. Nu merita sa fie pus in acelasi loc cu gandurile mele murdare. E de-ajuns ca ma chinui eu cu ele. Nu trebuie sa il las sa cunoasca inca partea aia intunecata, de care pana si mie mi-e frica.

           Poate o sa citeasca, dar e putin diferit. Nu ar auzi tremuratul din vocea mea, nu ar simti lacrimile si nici nu ar asculta cuvintele astea rostite de buzele pe care doar el poate sa le calmeze. M-a facut sa ma simt putin mai bine oricum. In momentul asta, ii multumesc ca imi invadeaza mintea (si ma indeparteaza de ideile soptite de persoana care eram in trecut) si ca mi-a dat anumite mesaje mai devreme. Doar de acolo au venit zambetele mele azi. Nici nu trebuie sa fie fizic langa mine ca sa stiu ca o sa vina calmarea. Port inima lui cu mine, pe piept, aproape de a mea. E tot ce vreau si chiar mai mult. A fost o perioada scurta, dar mi-a oferit in timpul asta mai multe decat poate au facut-o altii in ani.

           Ce urmeaza sa scriu nu am spus-o prea multor persoane, desi cred ca pana la urma este una singura care stie. Cand am fost la mare cu varul meu si ai mei, intr-o seara stateam la una din iesirile din camping (cea cu vedere spre apa si plaja) si am vazut o mica parte dintr-o ploaie de stele. Mi-am pus aceeasi dorinta ca cea la care m-am gandit in momentul in care am suflat in lumanari de ziua mea. Mi-au dat putin lacrimile cand am lasat ideea sa-mi invadeze mintea si mi s-a umplut inima de speranta si nerabdare. Poate judec eu prea mult si chiar vreau sa cred ca asta este unul dintre motive (si ca miracolele exista), dar tind sa cred ca s-a adeverit. Mi-am dorit sa intalnesc pe cineva de care sa ma indragostesc cum n-am mai facut-o pana acum, cineva cu care sa am parte de ceva special si de lunga durata. Poate e putin copilaresc sau e doar o coincidenta, dar ar fi una al dracului de mare. In fiecare zi ma surprinde cu ceva relatia asta… si el… Cu cat il cunosc mai mult, cu atat ma atrage mai mult.

           Ma sperie putin cate avem in comun si cate lucruri, care par imposibile, se intampla. S-a format o legatura foarte diferita de ceea ce am avut pana acum cu oricine. Asta e clar. In legatura cu viitorul? Sunt foarte, foarte curioasa. O sa zic doar atat: o dadusem in negativisme, dar nu o sa inchei cu asa ceva. M-am linistit brusc si nu mai imi vine sa plang. E doar el in mintea mea acum si poate si un citat pe care nu prea il intelegeam inainte si mi-era greu sa fiu de acord cu el. Nu mai stiu sigur cine l-a spus, dar va zic clar ca nu este o creatie a creierului meu (de aceea l-am si numit “citat”).

           Am incercat sa gasesc cuvintele exacte si am cautat pe mai multe pagini de Facebok, dar fara noroc. M-a luat ameteala… Am dat peste atatea care s-ar potrivi, dar nu si peste cel pe care-l voiam eu. Se referea la faptul ca atunci cand iubesti pe cineva, nu esti nelinistit sau fara stare, ci simti un calm de nedescris in preajma persoanei respective. E prima oara cand sunt asa in jurul cuiva. Sa fie un semn? Daca da, sper ca e unul bun.

           Si dupa aproape sase pagini scrise o sa pun si finalul. Asta chiar e o postare complexa (mai mult cred ca am aberat si am sarit de la un subiect la altul) si lunga, cu (prea) multe detalii. Cei care au citit tot… Felicitari! Ati avut ceva rabdare. Cei care au incercat (nu stiu daca o sa cititi si partea asta), inteleg de ce v-ati oprit. Mi-au luat aproximativ trei ore (plus inca una jumatate de transcris si editat) sa scriu tot si pana si eu am avut un punct in care simteam ca o iau putin razna. Acum m-am calmat complet. Nu prea imi vine sa cred, dar e de bine. Ma bucur ca am reusit sa ma descarc si ca, in sfarsit, o sa mai pun ceva si pe blog. Va las sa procesati toate informatiile si cred ca o sa adaug diseara si o melodie pe care vreau sa o ascult, dar nu pot acum (sunt in timpul unui curs). Probabil o sa scriu si inceputul de la proza, sa v-o arat. Probabil… "

     Va las doar cu melodia (si cu postarea asta super lunga). M-am razgandit in legatura cu proza. Nu cred ca-mi mai place. O sa-mi vina mie o alta idee. Sper...