The five W's in my life - Part 1 - Who

     M-am decis sa incerc ceva nou. Aceasta proza va avea mai multe versiuni din moment ce am mai multe idei pentru ea si probabil o sa-mi mai vina si altele. Aceasta este prima versiune pe care o s-o scriu direct fara sa o am mai intai in Word si doar s-o transfer aici. 

                                                   Who

     The craziest things they say that happen during college: getting drunk and waking up in weird, unknown places, hooking up with random people, failing classes, making friends and losing them, making bets, falling in love. For me it was different. I'm only in highschool and my life is already a total mess. My parents divorced before my first year in highschool and are now separated and far, far away from each other. I'm living with my mom's best friend and her family in a house near the center of the city. My grades are not awful, but not as good as my parents wished they would be either. I've barely made any friends. In my highschool I'm either the weirdo who hangs out with the shortie and the bad ass chick or just a nobody. I guess I'm a total mystery to those around me. Not even my friends know me well enough. The others just seem to be staying away from me for certain reasons that even I don't know.

     Well, now enough about me. I'm here to talk about him. My neighbour is a total hottie and happens to be the most popular guy in my highschool too and not in a good way. From what I've seen, his life is just as messy as mine. He lives with his brother and his girlfriend. I haven't talked to him too much, only once or twice at some party. He doesn't seem to like speaking so much. He preffers to do better things with his tongue and hell, he does it well. My friends kept pestering me, saying that I'm too good to be with him and other things, but I'm not going to listen. He's just everything I want and that I think I deserve. He's perfect for me and it would be a shame to let him go when I'm close enough to have him completely. 

     Okay, maybe it's not that close and it's not me who's going to have him. It's more like he's going to have me. And if making out a few times can be counted as "close", then I guess we are. At first, I only wanted to have fun with the bad boy, who happens to be extremely sexy too, but I ended up feeling something more. I can't say I'm scared or anything. If my parents' love didn't work out, then maybe it wasn't love. Maybe what I feel isn't love either, but I know it's something. I got to know small parts of him and I guess he is the real reason everyone else avoids me. No one ever gets close enough to him to even ask him his name and I managed to steal more than one kiss from him and some words too. Maybe I'm on the right way, maybe not. Maybe what I'm thinking it's the truth, maybe it's just me who thinks that way and all he does is play. All I know is that I wanna steal more and not just that. I want his heart. 

Painted on my heart.

     It's been a week and I miss my friends. I'll just write this as a story, maybe all in English, maybe not. I don't always keep my promises, but lately, I try to keep them. They're pretty important to me and especially to my friends. I've never thought I'd get to care so much about someone. I really feel like they're part of my family. I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. Even if I have many, only two or three are as close to me that I could tell them anything without the fear of being judged. I trust them. I'm not lying to them about anything (except him. He always brings out the worst of me, but at the same time the best.)

     This time, I want to party with them and have fun and feel like I've grown wings again, ones that will never be cut off. I want to feel like we rule the world, like we are the best and nothing can touch us. On New Year's Eve, I want to be with them and I want to drink with them and make crazy things like we always do when we are together. I want to surprise the others with our unexpected ways of having fun. 

     When I heard that you make real friends especially during university, I was doubtful, but then I met them and got to know them and all my doubts were killed. I don't care if it's highschool. I care about them and they are my best friends that know me better than I know myself. No one can touch me or get to me when I'm with them (except him). 

     Thank you and I love you and you know you'll only hear this once from me so don't forget it. I'm not going to say it again. Now I feel like watching Scooby Doo. Wanna join?

PS: You can't surpass them and they can't surpass you. You're in different places of my heart, but still on first. I'm not going to lose either of you and if I do, then I'll know that something's wrong with me or you or the world. 

Keep it secret. Keep it safe.

     Cam asa sta treaba. Daca tot ai inima mea, actioneaza ca in Lord of the Rings. Keep it secret. Keep it safe. Poti sa faci asta, nu? Banuiesc ca deja s-a intamplat. Esti mai bun decat Frodo la asta. Atat de bun incat nici macar tu nu stii ca iti apartine si ca e la tine. Trist, nu-i asa? Nu stiu din punctul cui de vedere. Eu deja mi-am pierdut dreptul la opinie. Orice as face nu pot sa schimb, nu pot sa sterg, nu pot sa uit. Toata viata mea pare pur si simplu o drama care se vrea ca Gossip Girl, numai ca e scrisa mult mai prost. Daca asta este incercarea lui Dumnezeu de a fi scriitor, ar trebui s-o lase balta. Nu se pricepe la asta deloc. Pana si eu as fi putut scrie mai bine si se stie ca nu sunt cine stie ce mare scriitoare. Toate lucrurile puse pe foaie sunt doar fantezii, vise, sperante care n-am vrut sa le spulber inainte de termen.Sunt posibilitati ale viitorului meu. Nu se stie niciodata cand pot ajunge ca unul din personajele mele. Macar majoritatea nu sunt singure de sarbatori. Unele sunt moarte deja sau probabil la o petrecere geniala unde domina scena cu o tigara si un pahar de vodka.
     Daca inima mea e bine in secret si in siguranta, gandurile mele nu stiu daca sunt. Inca am dubii daca ar trebui sa le tin numai pentru mine sau sa continui sa le impartasesc undeva ca Facebookul, blogul, livejournalul, povestile mele. In ultimul timp sunt multe lucruri in care gasesc inspiratie, pana si frigul de la mine din camera si lipsa de iesit afara ma inspira. Acum, am in permanenta mainile reci si simt nevoia sa plang non-stop si ma simt atat de vulnerabila si cu garda jos ca imi vine sa fug si sa ma ascund intr-o gaura de sarpe sau un seif.
     O sa supravietuiesc. Chiar daca poate nu pare, am incredere in mine, am incredere in oamenii importanti din viata mea, am incredere in el. Everything's safe. But secret, well, not anymore.

PS: Nothing to say. Just...be happy with her if it's for real. If it's just for a few weeks, then have fun. I'll be here, still waiting.

I guess I'll never get my heart back...

     “If he loved you with all the power of his soul for a whole lifetime, he couldn’t love you as much as I do in a single day.”

     Wuthering Heights sau La Rascruce De Vanturi este unul din filmele mele preferate si una din cartile mele preferate. Sunt atatea lucruri in cartea aia care ma fac sa cred ca dragostea adevarata exista, ca o sa am si eu parte de ea si ca o sa fie impartasita. E vacanta de iarna si s-au intamplat multe inaintea ei. Au fost multe lucruri spuse si unele care trebuiau spuse, n-au fost. Am vorbit cu el si nu-mi vine sa cred ca un lucru atat de neinsemnat m-a afectat atat de mult. Simplul fapt ca mi se adresa si ca se uita la mine, mi-a facut inima sa-mi bata mai tare si nu stiam ce sa spun. Stateam cateva secunde, minute ca sa zic un cuvant sau doua. Tremuram din toate incheieturile de emotie, care a patruns pana in maduva oaselor, care s-a scurs si e una cu sangele. 

     Imi vine sa ma duc direct la el si sa-i spun din nou ca-l plac, netinand cont de consecinte. Are prietena si probabil m-ar refuza inca dinainte s-apuc sa deschid gura. Toate gandurile care-mi trec prin cap, toate lucrurile pe care-as vrea sa i le spun sunt numai din cauza unui film stupid pe care l-am terminat in nici doua zile. La fiecare faza romantica sau in care protagonistii erau doar ei doi si el ii spunea chestii "cheesy", eu incepeam sa plang. Sensibilismul meu de obicei e dublat de sarbatori, adaugandu-se si tot ce s-a intamplat, care nici macar nu se poate numi intamplare, mai ales cum eu fac sa para ceva extrem de important, adaugandu-se si faptul ca pe 25 decembrie s-au facut 2 ani si 4 luni de cand simt ceva pentru el, adaugandu-se si toate celelalte probleme, sensibilismul meu a fost dus la maxim. La cea mai mica faza emotionanta incep sa plang. 

     Si urasc cum suna totul de parca ar fi scris de o fana obsedata si urasc ca iar sunt eu si urasc ca mi se duce puterea incetul cu incetul si urasc ca ma gandesc atata la el cand nici macar nu mai vreau asta. Ce rost are sa tin la cineva care nu-mi impartaseste sentimentele? Ce dracu'?! Abia stie ca exist, ce sa mai zic si de impartasitul sentimentelor. He may be out of my league. He just seems so far, far, far away right now, but yet so close, so close that I can almost touch him. And yet, it's forbidden. 

PS: This song constantly reminds me how stupid I was to confess that way. Although, I don't think I'd change anything if I could go back in time. If it's meant to be like this, I have no right to change it, only wait and see what will happen next, if there'll be an "us" or not. Merry Christmas and I do care about you and I am in love with you and I do have feelings for you and I don't think I can find any more ways to say it.