Short conversation - the voice inside of your head part III.

"For fuck's sake, are you crying again?"

"Shut up. Everything just hurts."

"Why? What's the matter now?"

"I'm tired, I feel so lonely and I have nobody to talk to, I miss him like crazy, but I wanna punch him at the same time, I still have a lot to finish too."

"You have me... You can always count on this voice. It's there whenever you need it."

"It doesn't help much. I need at least one more opinion on everything that's happening and I can't talk to him about."

"You're too greedy. Some don't even have the luxury to hear a second voice, what more to say about having another person next to them."

"Don't be so full of yourself. You're starting to piss me off."

"Yeah, right. Don't make me mad or I'll start chanting his name and plant memories in your head until you miss him even more."

"That's diabolical."

"That's you."

"Us."

Short conversation - the voice inside of your head part II.

"Hello?"

"What? Problems in paradise once more?"

"I feel like he's trying to control me."

"You're analyzing too much. Stop over-thinking. It isn't him who's bringing you down. You're doing a fine job just by yourself when it comes to that."

"But... I'm hurt by his actions and I worry about some things that are a lot more serious than what seems to interest him."

"That's just life kid. What makes you vulnerable, others may be immune to it."

"You're right... I'll just talk to him."

"Don't expect him to understand, even if he tells you that. He's not me."

"I don't have another choice. That was the only one."

"Go to sleep. You'll forget about it tomorrow."

"You've said that before and it didn't work. You're a liar!"

"Learned from the best. You told him earlier that you were fine."

Short conversation - the voice inside of your head.

"You can't get mad over something like this. It can't affect you. You're a big girl. Don't cry. You have to reach his level. You can't be like this. Even though it hurts, just fight back the urge to lash out. They don't need to know. They must not know. You're old enough now. Just wipe your tears and get over it. Endure today and maybe tomorrow you'll forget all about this. You can do it! You're strong. Just erase this from your memory and move on."

"But what if it happens again?"

"Repeat the process." 

"Does it have to be like this? Can't I just tell him what I feel?"

"He'll judge you and look down on you. Maybe it's just not what he signed up for. He thinks you're strong and down to earth."

"I can't just ignore it."

"Do it. Trust me. Believe in yourself and this voice inside of your head."

"Isn't there any way to silence you?"

"Silence your heart first and I'll go away with it."

Short letters to my old self.

          Dear teenager in love, 

     This is just a passing phase. Don't despair if he doesn't return your feelings. You're young. He may be the first, but he's definitely not the last boy you're gonna crush on. He's not your entire book. He's just a small chapter in it. Don't allow him to take more of it than necessary. You are the writer. You make your own rules. Don't let yourself be hurt by his words, even when he makes it pretty clear that you're replaceable. Don't worry. He is too. You choose who you end up with in the book. You make your own destiny and if you try to have him in it and it doesn't work, then it just wasn't meant to be. He may choose his friends over you, he may choose other girls over you, he may choose his family over you, but just as he can make these choices, you can too. Maybe he couldn't handle what you had to give. Get over it. You could be that apple on the very top of the tree, while he's a poor little human on the ground with no ladder, no climbing skills, just the hope that someday you'll fall down low to his level. Don't. If you need to make more sacrifices than he's willing to do, he isn't worth it. You both need to try. You both need to work. You need to be equals. Love isn't selfish, humans are. Don't let yourself be blinded by feelings and lose focus of what's actually real and what's not. 

                                                                                                                    Yours sincerely,

                                                                                                                               A young adult in love.

          Dear girl that 'loves' to wait,

     I know it drives you crazy when you have some free time on your hands and all you wanna do is talk to him, because you know he might be busy later and you're going to have something to do too. And then, there he is, fooling around, playing with other people, talking to his friends, ignoring your messages and you're just there...waiting. It hurts. You feel a bit neglected, especially when you know there's just a little time left before midnight and he gives you the excuse that he's tired and he has to rest and he can only talk to you for a few minutes, before he goes to sleep. And he's enthusiastic and you have to be too. You can't be selfish. It's against your morals. You have to be understanding. You have to be there for him, even if you waited all day to talk and he just thinks of you in those last few minutes before midnight. Endure. He might make up for this eventually. Or not. When you're gonna tell him it bothered you, he'll just ask "Really? That little?". And you're gonna say that you love him and that you were kidding, just to make everything right again. But you know you weren't. Your tears and sad thoughts witnessed it too. Just endure.

Yours sincerely,

A girl who waited enough, but still does.

Iarta-ma - pentru a nu stiu cata oara.

Am uitat sa sterg machiajul si acum regret. As vrea sa opresc lacrimile ca sa nu ma mai murdaresc cand le sterg.

O temnita impenetrabila.

     Sincer, aveam de gand sa fac o postare mai draguta, dar circumstantele nu prea imi permit. Exista un conflict interior pe care nu pot sa il depasesc. Sunt doua componente: latura mea rationala, care este ranita de latura mea impulsiva, dominata de sentimente. Consider ca in ultimul timp m-am comportat mai imatur decat am facut-o vreodata, dar stiu ca asta are legatura si cu schimbarile din viata mea. Sunt destul de stresata din cauza sesiunii, relatia evolueaza si lucrurile astea doua imi depasesc un pic limitele. Vreau sa vorbesc, sa ma deschid cuiva, dar imi este inca foarte greu, chiar daca sunt situatii care ma deranjeaza, tac si inghit. Nu imi este usor sa vorbesc. Incerc cat pot de tare si mai reusesc sa scot ceva, dar nu tot ce as vrea sa zic.

     Azi nu prea am mancat si m-a luat de vreo doua ori ameteala, m-a durut genunchiul, si pe deasupra am mai ruinat si specialul zilei de azi. Se fac trei luni de cand iubesc si eu m-am comportat cam rece, cam indiferenta si cred ca am stricat totul. Ma simt foarte prost. Azi am fost super sensibila si aproape m-a deranjat orice remarca. Mai multe detalii nu vreau sa dau, desi simt nevoia sa ma eliberez. Se pare ca orice as face tot incatusata raman. E trist. Stiu.

I just need a breath of fresh air. So much toxicity is killing me...slowly.

     I can't even explain what I'm feeling right now. I am so hurt and disappointed and lonely. I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm trying to breathe, but the tears are flowing so fast that I'm almost drowning in them. There are so many thoughts in my head right now and I wasn't sure what else to do, so I've decided to post here.

     Everyone seems to think so highly of me, but I'm not grateful. I feel so fucking pressured. These days, I kept trying not to write, but what happened tonight turned the tables completely. I'm not good enough. I'm not what they believe I am. I'm just not...right. I feel like I'm broken and everyone's trying to fix me. I feel like these walls are closing up on me and it shouldn't be like this. I had just gotten back on my feet, only to be pushed back down. 

     For all these years, they thought they were doing something right and giving me the ambition to be above everyone else, but it wasn't like that. I can't trust myself anymore because of what they did, what they said. I can't find the will to become someone better. I can't. I can barely bring myself to try and do so, but then they come and say another thing and I just lose all interest. They expect so many things from me and I feel like I'm gonna get killed if I don't reach their expectations. 

     I wanna talk to someone, but I just...don't think they'd understand. The only people who did are not near me anymore. With those I have left right now, it's just so hard to talk about this. I don't want pity. I don't wanna be told that I'm wrong with this one. I'm not. I know how I feel. I know best what I am able to do and what not. 

     Choosing this university was my worst mistake ever. I fucking hate it. I despise it. And for a bit, just for a bit, I fucking hate myself for choosing this path. I should've gone abroad or something. Maybe their words wouldn't hurt as much through the phone...

     I've cried almost for the whole night and I lied and I'm sorry. I really am. That's just me. I don't know how to do better. I only know how to apologize when things just don't work the way they're supposed to. And again I just want to run away from it all, but I've gotta fight. I am a fighter. I am strong. I can be confident. I am smart. And sometimes (only sometimes), I can make things work too, but not the things they want me to. I can reach a higher level, I can be great, but not for the things they want me too. I can only find perfection in what I like and enjoy, at least for a little bit. The fucks I give for what I'm studying right now? None. 

     It's fucking hard, fucking difficult. I'm trying not let this destroy too much of me, but the little bit of confidence I managed to build is gone now. I'm a mess. I've got nothing to hold on to. They want me to be ambitious... How the fuck can I be ambitious when I can't even be at least a bit of what I want to be, when I can't find a track of myself in the ambitions I'm supposed to have (as they say)? I'm a wreck and I feel that I'm tainting all those around me. It's not them who aren't right. It's me. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I apologize for not fitting the image you have of myself. Please, forgive me, but first...let me forgive myself. 

     I'm seriously going through hell. Don't expect me back too soon.