Love makes me irrational. I just can't seem to be thinking straight. It is so overly annoying sometimes, that I just wanna stuff food into my mouth, so I can shut up. Is it because I love him too much? Is it because I've stayed home for too long? Is it because I'm feeling so lonely nowadays? I really don't know, but it seems like I'm clingier than usual.
Something happened today and I know it's my fault, but I don't think I can help it. If I got scared before when I couldn't feel anything, which meant I wasn't able to write, these days it scares me when I miss him. That kind of feeling... It scares the crap out of me. It hurts and it's sour, because I can't see him or talk to him, but at the same time it's sweet, warm and fuzzy, because it means that I have feelings for him, that I love him.
I wanted to talk to him so badly, to hear him. I wanted to go out and hold his hand and I'm not sure guys understand that kind of sensation. We were supposed to meet on Sunday, but he cancelled. I got my hopes up and even though it's been almost 9 months now, I was still nervous and thought about what I should wear and how I should make my hair and make up and stuff like that. When he said we weren't going out, he left me with the promise of a late night talk, on the phone and I believed. I avoided starting something that took too long, because I wanted to be ready when he called, to pay attention only to him and focus on what he's saying...
I'm young, ok? I'm still getting used to the whole idea of "the real world". I know what shit can look like and what the definition of a miracle can be too. Even if I was older, I don't believe my ideas on love would be any different. I'm also a writer and someone who's done role-play almost all their life. I have a crazy imagination and even if I can be a sadist sometimes, that doesn't mean I can't also be a romantic. I have my hopes and dreams. I'm still a woman and I watch cheesy, sappy movies with princes and poor girls that become rich through magic, with kings and queens, with impossible relationships that in the end prove to be possible.
I feel so stupid now. I also feel guilty. Maybe I should've been colder, more realistic. I'm no princess. I don't have to plan my outfit. He has no white horse either after all... I shouldn't have gotten mad. Maybe he's the one who understands and it's me who doesn't.
I should apologize for feeling like this, for reacting like this. It's wrong. (And, oh, only if you could hear the sarcasm in the voice my mind spoke as I wrote those two sentences).
Maybe I let my pride stand in the way, but I just can't be sorry for something I feel. Feelings don't lie. Prove me wrong and I'll apologize, but otherwise I like being honest. I'd rather not say it than lie to the person.
And... I'm gonna leave a lil' bit of thought here... I'm so sensitive and fed up with others, that these days I get easily annoyed and maybe I'm acting a little childish too. I'm also getting once more the feeling that I'm more emotionally invested and it cuts a bit. Maybe it's because I've got more time on my hands, but even if I hadn't, I'd still make time somehow if I wanted to talk to someone really bad. I just don't feel that I'm getting what I'm willing to give and this messes me up. I don't know how to fix myself up and I don't want to be demanding either. Every person gives what they believe to be fit for the relationship they have with the other and for the feelings they hold. I must have overdosed then... Gotta take some of that back!
Oh, and one more thing... I painted my nails in red. It's fabulous!
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